Gender Roles and Same Sex Attraction

This is kind of out of order, however I forgot about needing to do this topic. Okay friends. This is going to be very controversial, a lot of what I'm going to say will go against popular opinion, and I'm sure some of your opinions. Please keep in mind, that this is what I believe. I don't ask you to accept it, I just ask that you respect it. Any negative comments will not be published. That said, I will begin my post.

Firstly, as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, more commonly known as the Mormon Church, I believe that gender is an essential characteristic of our identities. I believe that we are born male or female for a purpose, and that even our souls have a gender. I believe that gender is either male or female, there is no in-between or other. That's not to say that some men don't have more feminine characteristics, and some women don't have more masculine characteristics. I'm also not saying it's bad if that happens. I'm saying that when people start saying they're not male or female, or when men say that they're women (not jokingly), or women say they're men, I personally don't agree with that. This is not an attack on those people, and it's not to say that they're all evil, terrible people who are headed straight to Hell. That is NOT what I'm trying to say. I'm just saying I don't agree with it. I feel bad that they are confused. I feel bad that they may be made fun of for feeling that way. But, I don't agree with it. Anyhow, for those of you who wonder what the purpose of gender is, outside of a religious perspective, there actually has been a lot of research done on this topic. I've learned that without those gender roles, without those necessary divisions between men and women, society cannot function. Don't believe me? Research it. Don't GOOGLE it, RESEARCH it. You know, actually legitimately go find a study done about it. 90% of the stuff google comes up with is terribly biased and almost completely inaccurate. When doing a scientific study, if there is even a HINT of bias, you will not be published, so you can count on the research to tell the facts without a bias. So go research if you don't believe that gender roles are important, or that society benefits from differences in gender. In this class, I learned that it is needful for differing genders because they balance each other out. Men were created to be more logical, and women were created to be more emotional. This doesn't always happen, but on the whole men are more logical. The differences between our genders can be utilized to help improve ourselves, our relationships and society.

As for same sex attraction. I have learned a lot. I learned there's a difference between same sex attraction and being gay. The difference being that you can be attracted and not act on it, and when you act on it, that's when you're "labeled gay." I learned that we need to be more tolerant and accepting. We can't just dismiss people out of hand because we may not agree with their lifestyle. I learned that there is no biological component that "makes" someone gay or straight. My heart goes out to those who struggle with this. I know that people believe that Mormons hate gays, or that we're completely intolerant of them, or that we don't support them. I also know many Mormons who believe that the leaders of our Church will magically change their minds, and eventually say that being gay is okay, and that it's okay for gay people to get married. Well, that's not going to happen. There will never be a time where God will be okay with same sex marriage. The way I see it is, had there been a time foreseen where gay marriage would be okay, the church would not have released The Family Proclamation. The proclamation clearly states that marriage is between a man and a woman. Always has been, always will be. There are beautiful people out there who are gay, and I love them, and I think they're great people, and very fun. However, I don't agree with their lifestyle. You can still love someone and not be okay with the way they live their lives. You just have to draw a clear line. Let it be understood that you will be their friend, you will love and support them through anything, but you don't agree with people dating people of the same gender. If you still don't believe that Mormons don't support or even like gay people, feel free to check out their website. The Church has recently come out with a website concerning our beliefs with same sex attraction and gay people. The website says, "This official website does not offer a comprehensive explanation of everything related to same-sex attraction, but it does reflect the feelings of Church leaders as to how we should treat each other as part of the human family."

Marriage and Intimacy

The best grandparents anyone could have! Married for over 50 years and still in love.

My beautiful Mother and handsome Father

I'm sure you're wondering what all of these pictures are about. Well these are just a few of the examples I have of beautiful people, who have made beautiful marriages. I think a lot of people in class found our discussion about marriage and intimacy awkward or embarrassing, but I didn't. Of course this could be for many reasons, the area I grew up in, the fact that intimacy is openly discussed in my house (not graphic details, but if we have any questions my mom has always been open to discussing things with me), or the fact that as a Child Development major, this has been discussed many, many times in classes. 

My Grandparents, brother and new sister-in-law at their wedding. 

I think one of the most interesting parts of this topic was the Marital Intimacy questions wiki. For an assignment, we had to come up with at least one question we had regarding marital intimacy. Some of the questions were "How do you get to the point where you are comfortable with having sex with your spouse? I was always taught that sex was wrong unless it was outside of marriage, but the general idea still seems wrong. How do I get to the point of being comfortable enough to know that having sex with my future spouse is ok? How do I overcome that fear?" "I know that a relationship isn't only about the intimacy, but what if after you get married and have sex for the first time your feelings aren't the same? How as a couple do you see past this very important part in your relationship? Or how can it be fixed?" "My husband rarely initiates sex and often rejects me when I do. It makes me feel so insecure. What should I do?" "I'm not married, I've heard the first time of intercourse is painful, which scares me. What advice could you give about this"

I know it's kind of blurry, but this is a picture of my cousins' Grandparents. Grandpa Stauffer has passed on, but they were truly a beautiful couple, and had a wonderful relationship. This is one of the last times I saw him. After Thanksgiving they both fell asleep on the couch and Grandma Stauffer is asleep on Grandpa. :)

These are just a few examples. I noticed that a lot of the questions dealt with fear of intimacy. I think a lot of the fear, is fear of the unknown, fear of pain, or fear of doing something "wrong" or "bad." I think it's natural, to some extent, to be afraid of this. However, I think one thing that could help is talking to someone about it. I've talked to my best friend, a few times, about intimacy and asked her some of the questions I've had concerning it, and she's helped me quite a bit. It's not weird because it's not your parents, and there's no judgement because she's my best friend. She doesn't share specific details, or over-share. Just simply states the answers to my questions in a very factual and informative way. I noticed a lot of people were concerned with specific Church guidelines towards intimacy. I don't think the Church has any specifics. I could be wrong, but all I've ever heard is to just make sure that it feels natural, and doesn't become uncomfortable.

However, as we know, marriage is much more than just intimacy. I'm sure marriage isn't easy, but I'm also sure that if it's the right person the work you put into it is worth it. I think one important thing is to not get caught up in your list of attributes you want your husband to have. Sometimes, the person comes along that fits all of your desired attributes, but then Heavenly Father says they're not the right person. Be flexible. Be open to deviating from your list. I'm not saying don't have a list, or don't have desired qualities, and I'm DEFINITELY not saying marry a "fixer-upper." I'm saying, prayerfully consider the desired qualities you want in a spouse, and while on the lookout for this person, build up those qualities in yourself.

Dating and Relationships

I think this was one of the most interesting sections the class has talked about. It was incredibly applicable to my life right now, and had a lot of really good take home lessons for me. I think I especially was interested by the discussion involving dating. I learned so many really interesting and really applicable things. I learned that two of the biggest filters when choosing a mate, or rather two factors in the selection process, are physical attraction and similarities. I learned the three p's of dating! Planned, paid for, and paired off. I also learned that there are 3 other p's that are provide, protect and preside. We talked about the functions of dating which was also really interesting, hearing people's opinions on what the function is. Some of the suggestions were recreation, intimacy, companionship, find a mate, status attainment, and socialization.

We learned about different phases in relationships.
Dating- a variety of planned, intentional opportunities to get to know one another, developing/testing skills, variety of activities with a variety of activities.

Courtship- an exclusive relationship seeing if someone is a good fit for you

Engagement

Marriage

There should be clear boundaries and obvious changes in each phase of a relationship.

This part was my favorite!!!! We learned about the relationship/attachment model, and it just made so much sense to me! I cannot even explain how much I love this model, because it made my life make sense! Haha

Relationship/attachment model (differs by degrees)

Know, trust, reliance, commitment, touch

You should  never trust someone any more than you know them

You shouldn't rely one someone more than you trust them

You shouldn't commit to someone you can't rely on

And you shouldn't touch somebody you're not committed to

(the degree and frequency with which you have physical contact with someone can make you feel more or less attached to them)

We talked about the 4 types of love:

Eros- physical love, passionate love, romantic feelings (usually acquainted with), lust, (have to be around them all the time) driven by emotion, sexual

Agape- love independent of one's feelings for another

Storge- parent-child love, transcends everything, deep-abiding love, hurts you to see them hurt

Philia- friendship, brotherly love

Another thing I found particularly helpful was talking about misattribution of arousal- attributing feelings of physical attraction to feelings of love, when it's just physical attraction (I can't tell you how many times I've done this)

How do we protect ourselves from falling into traps/tripping into loves or relationships that aren't wise/tripping too quickly?

Increase our knowledge

Past experience

Decision making process: weigh pros cons, decide rationally, think things through, analyze, be intentional

If you're not sure ask someone who knows (parents/friends/outsiders can see other facets we don't see)

Set rules/goals and follow them

I learned I need to be better about following all of these and making sure to discern what's real and what's not. I need to make more logical decisions and less dealing with emotion.

Social Classes, Culture, and Family

This is a topic that I feel very strongly about. Growing up in Central Washington gave me great insight about this topic. I grew up on a reservation in Central Washington, but there were also a lot of Hispanics. As a White Mormon girl, I was in a very serious minority. Although I grew up in a small town, it was still big enough to where I didn't know everybody in my class, just most. As well as most of the people in classes below me. I don't mean social class, I mean class based on year in school. Anyhow, so those who did know me, knew that both of my parents are teachers and don't make hardly any money. Those who didn't know me assumed that because I'm white I had more money than they did. This is false. Compared to a lot of my peers, I was more middle class, but that's not saying much, when the absolute lowest is abject poverty. I remember finding out that my friend's grandmother used the money she got from her tribe, so she had to "use the five finger discount" to get food and other necessities. I was shocked. I had no idea that people's families were different from mine. I think I had an inkling, but I guess I just didn't realize how different people's families could be.

As far as cultures go, like I mentioned I grew up on a reservation, but there were also a lot of Hispanics in the area. Because the area is high in agriculture, it attracts a strong Hispanic population. I grew up being highly influenced by two different cultures, that were so different from mine. I learned at a young age how to deal with people who are different from me in almost every way. I often tell people that when I was young, I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn't have brown eyes, or speak Spanish! I also tell people that there are no opportunities in my hometown, and it wasn't the greatest place to grow up, but I did have an amazing childhood, and can't regret growing up there because it gave me the experience of how to deal with diversity at a young age. It gave me a great love and respect for other cultures.

I saw how culture influences family. Mexicans are HUGE on family. Granted, some families are incredibly dysfunctional, but there is a heavy emphasis that family come first, always. Many Mexican families have extended family members living in the house with them. Parties are HUGE because they involve everyone who IS family, and everyone who is CONSIDERED family. I LOVE that about Mexican culture. Doesn't matter who you are, or how long you've known the family, if you're friends with their child you're part of the family. Native Americans are much more reserved. Many don't even live with or near their family, and what family they have is incredibly troubled and dysfunctional. That's not to say that there aren't good Native American families out there. I'm sure there are. They just happened to be rare on the reservation I grew up on. The Native American families that are religious place a higher emphasis on families, but I think since many of the older Native Americans grew up without strong families, they just weren't sure how to go about it. I will say however, that traditional Native Americans, those who dance at Pow-Wow's and still practice their original religion, are very family and faith oriented. Growing up, being strongly influenced by two different cultures was a wonderful experience for me. It fostered a love and curiosity in me towards other people and cultures, and has allowed me to be more open minded, when it comes to people that are different from me.

My Poor Neglected Blog!

Okay, so I know I haven't been really good at keeping up with this, but I have learned SO much from this class!

So. we talked about theories and boundaries. This was a really interesting discussion. I was familiar with most of the theories from having taken several sociology classes. However, to hear these theories discussed in relation to families was incredibly beneficial. We learned about 4 different theories which are:

Systems Theory: The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Boundaries- there are the open, closed, and random family structures.

Exchange Theory: If we don’t feel like the relationship is balanced then we will start to disconnect

Conflict Theory: With two capable people, there will be a sort of contest for how things will be done

Symbolic Integration: Influenced through our experiences. We are constantly communicating with people through our symbols and our words.

These theories are just a few ways of looking at families. Every therapist, or person studying families has certain theories that they tend to gravitate to and I think I really like Systems Theory. I like this because every member of the family has a role that helps to contribute to the family, not to mention the fact that it talks about boundaries and what appropriate boundaries for a family are.

Speaking of boundaries there are three types of boundaries:

Rigid _________ Diffuse . . . . .  Normal _ _ _ _ _ 

An ideal family boundary basically means that the father and mother are separate from the children, but still reachable, or available to children. There are good reasons for these boundaries and they need to be respected. Once you get married your focus should not still be on your family, although that relationship is still important. The focus should shift to your husband and strengthening your bond to him. When I heard the story in class about the girl who keeps talking to her family for hours each day, and gets mad at her husband for not being understanding it was all I could do to not roll my eyes. I know that I have a strong attachment to my mother, but when I get married I know that, as important as she is, my husband should be more important. So, I hope when I get married I can respect these boundaries and make good boundaries for myself and my children.

Threats to the Family

In almost all of my classes this week we have been discussing threats to the family. Does this make me nervous? You bet! Honestly, even though I'm not even remotely near the point where I'm close to having a family, I still think about these threats and how they'll affect my future family. It's scary. It's almost overwhelming how difficult their lives have the potential to be. However, in my parenting class we were talking about temperament, and this girl in my class said that even though her son is very strong willed and knows his own mind, perhaps that's a blessing for him. Perhaps it will help him to stand firm in his life when he's faced with opposition. I thought that was a very interesting and unique point of view. I thought to myself, children born in this next generation will need special help in order to stand firm against the ever strengthening forces of evil. So maybe they'll be given different personality traits and special gifts to help them stay strong.

In discussing specific threats to the family, I had to read an article for class.

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2012/02/27/ethicists-argue-in-favor-of-after-birth-abortions-as-newborns-are-not-persons/

This is one of the articles we had to read for my child and family advocacy class. This article talks about after birth abortion and how if fetuses aren't considered people that newborns shouldn't be considered people either. Oh let me tell you, this article made me furious! I couldn't BELIEVE that there are people out there who could look at a living, breathing, beautiful baby and say, this isn't a person. If a child isn't a person what is?! By that same justification could you not then say that a teenager isn't a person, an adult isn't a person? If what constitutes a person being a person is subjective, you can justify killing anyone at any age. And THAT more than anything else scares me. What is this world coming to if what is considered "human" varies from person to person? Does nothing have meaning anymore these days? Family is being re-defined, marriage is being re-defined, but why are people being re-defined? I don't believe that God gave us the right to give life to His precious spirit children, just for us to deny that privilege for selfish and stupid reasons. If you were un-careful enough to get yourself into being pregnant, I think you should be willing to put up with the consequences. Honestly, I can't see what's so hard about the consequence of being pregnant. Okay, that sounds really ignorant. What I mean is that there are worse and much more harsh consequences to face, than that of bringing a new life into this world. I believe that only in the case of incest, rape, or threat to the mother's life should abortion even be a remote option. Even then only if the mother decides that this is what she wants. I think that would be a very hard decision to make, however, in the case of unplanned pregnancies, I don't think abortion should be an option. Especially because there are so many good and wonderful people out there who want more than anything to be parents. Why not show your child that you loved them enough to let someone else love them? I understand that it would be hard, however I feel that it would be in many many ways, the most beneficial thing a person could do for their child if they are not ready to raise a child.

I have a confession to make. In case you couldn't tell, I LOVE children. I'd love to work with children in my future career, whatever that may be. It is also one of my greatest desires in life, to be a mom. I want to have children and love them and squeeze them and teach them to know and love Heavenly Father. I realize that this is a huge responsibility, one that I am not yet ready for. However, I feel that if I rely on Heavenly Father, the teachings of the Family Proclamation, and the teachings of the prophets, that I will be guided in the ways of how to raise my children in the ways that are best for them. Another thing that stood out to me this week was reading the talk, "Teaching the Doctrine of the Family." This was a powerful and wonderful talk, if you haven't read it yet, I suggest you do. One thing that stood out to me was this quote, "Many don’t see forming families as a faith-based work. For them, it’s a selection process much like shopping." I was so blown away by that quote. How many mutual activities have I spent thinking up qualities I want in my future husband, how many times have I thought oh it would be nice to have this in my future. But, how often have I paused to think of what the REAL significance of all of that is? The point isn't what you want in a husband, although knowing that is important. The point is after you have your husband and your family, what are you doing to build up Zion? What are you doing to strengthen your family? What are you doing to teach your children? What ARE you teaching your children? One thing the LDS Church talks a lot about is progression, in this life and the next. So what am I doing in order to progress? Right now, I'm learning. I'm learning all I can so that I can get a degree, a good job if I need one, and so that I can teach my children things that are really important. Things that could be of eternal consequence. I believe that Heavenly Father has placed me here, at this school, in this time for a specific purpose. I just hope I learn whatever I'm supposed to so I can help him accomplish His goals for His kingdom, and for me.