Working Moms?

How many women these days do you know that are actually stay at home mom's? I think I can count on one hand the number of stay at home mom's I know. Granted, most of these mothers aren't stay at home mom's because they don't want to be. Most of them are working mothers out of necessity. I found out some interesting facts this week in class. The one that stuck out to me most was that most women, after paying all bills and other expenses, end up making less than $1 per hour. I guess it just showed me that it must be really expensive to live these days. I mean I struggle enough as a college student, but the only thing I'm really paying for is my groceries. I thankfully have financial aid and extremely generous parents and family members  who have been willing to help me with the expenses of college.

Anyhow, back to the topic on hand, it's important to keep several things in mind, when deciding, whether or not both parents should work or not. I think one thing to consider is whether or not you can really afford to not have both parents working. Another thing is to pray about it. This is not a decision to be made without divine guidance. It's also important to keep in mind the toll it might take on your family. The absence of not just one, but both parents from home during the day can take a toll on the family. You may have to put your children in child care which can cause an added expense. Your child may have to be home alone for a few hours until you or your spouse can come home from work. Keep in mind the tolls not only on the family, but more specifically on your children. Children will keenly feel the absence of their parents in the home, and if you have to take work home, that will impact the dynamic at home, as well. What if because of work you no longer have as much time or energy to spend with your children? As I said before, counsel carefully together. This is not a decision you make spur of the moment. Prayerfully consider if you truly need to work or not, if you're a woman, and a mom.

I truly hope that when the time comes, I will not need to work. I don't wish to. My greatest wish is to be a mom, who is able to stay at home with her kids. This is not popular opinion, as was shown in our reading for this week: Does a Full-Time Homemaker Swap Her Mind for a Mop? However, I know that if I HAVE to work, that I will make the sacrifices necessary so that I can make ends meet. My mother and most of the women in my family weren't able to be stay at home mom's. Luckily though they were able to stay at home with us while we were all under-school age. My own mother didn't start working until I was in middle school. There is no shame in needing to work. If you have to work, and it's what is best for your family then that's awesome. But I think if you don't have to, then don't. Stay at home and play and love your kids all day! :)

Communication!!!!!

It has once again been reinforced how important communication is in any relationship. I'm not just talking marriage, although it is absolutely key to a marriage. I'm also talking about friendships, families, and basically any relationship you can think of. I always get annoyed in books, movies and real life instances where a disagreement or problem that a couple is going through could EASILY be solved if they just take the time to talk to each other. Getting mad at someone and not talking to them, or purposely omitting something does not help. At all. Ever. It just makes things worse. I honestly feel like I am not one to hold on to grudges or draw things out, because of this I feel like I am a good communicator.

In class we learned that when we communicate we go through a process. We start with our thoughts and feelings which we encode, we then use a media (words, tone, nonverbal), then the person we're talking to decodes it and has their own thoughts and feelings. During this process, sometimes, something can go wrong and we end up understanding something wrong or the person we're speaking to doesn't understand. This can be REALLY frustrating. I really do not like misunderstandings, or when people react in a way different from how I want them to. The important thing when this happens is to take a step back and re-evaluate. Think how could I have said this better, or explained this better. I think one important thing to remember is that people think differently, so not everyone is going to get the message you want them to, unless you spell it out for them. 

Another interesting thing I learned in class is that it can be considered rude to text while you're having a conversation with someone. I guess I always knew that but it never really stood out to me before until it was demonstrated in class. It's curious how in common culture today, most people don't think twice about texting in front of other people, or in mid conversation pause to answer a text message. When did ignoring someone or making them wait while you talk to someone else, become okay? I mean in emergency circumstances it's fine, but in regular everyday conversation, why do we do this? I think we need to be more aware of how we communicate, and really pause to consider what we can do better.

Family Crisis

I think it was interesting to talk about family crisis and how families handle crisis. I will say it brought back a lot of less than pleasant memories. However, I won't get into those details.I think I learned a lot of valuable things through this discussion. It's a given that people handle crisis differently. Some turn to food, some turn to others, and some keep it all inside. Sometimes, even if you want to talk to someone about a crisis you can't. In class, one of the definitions of crisis mentioned was danger + opportunity. If you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. Because sometimes it's the choices (opportunities taken or not taken) we make that lead to the crisis, and sometimes it's because of these poor choices that danger is created, thus also creating a crisis.

There can be a lot of stress involved in times of crisis. I don't know about anybody else, but I really hate being stressed out. There have been times of transition in my life, that have involved a lot of stress. I think some of the biggest crises my family has undergone is figuring out how to pay for school, potentially moving to New Mexico (my junior year of high school) and definitely times when loved ones have been in bad health. I know these don't sound that bad, but let's just say I'm just going to keep it to the easier hard times. My family has been through much worse than this, but I don't want to get really personal with this. What I have noticed though, is that each time we go through a crisis as a family, we become stronger. We grow closer. In times of stress, heartache, and uncertainty, I know that I can count on my family to be there for me. Crisis can affect families in many ways, it can cause tension, contention, and if you don't grow closer you certainly grow apart, which can lead to divorce. The important thing to remember when going through crisis, is that you need to draw closer, not apart.

Gender Roles and Same Sex Attraction

This is kind of out of order, however I forgot about needing to do this topic. Okay friends. This is going to be very controversial, a lot of what I'm going to say will go against popular opinion, and I'm sure some of your opinions. Please keep in mind, that this is what I believe. I don't ask you to accept it, I just ask that you respect it. Any negative comments will not be published. That said, I will begin my post.

Firstly, as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, more commonly known as the Mormon Church, I believe that gender is an essential characteristic of our identities. I believe that we are born male or female for a purpose, and that even our souls have a gender. I believe that gender is either male or female, there is no in-between or other. That's not to say that some men don't have more feminine characteristics, and some women don't have more masculine characteristics. I'm also not saying it's bad if that happens. I'm saying that when people start saying they're not male or female, or when men say that they're women (not jokingly), or women say they're men, I personally don't agree with that. This is not an attack on those people, and it's not to say that they're all evil, terrible people who are headed straight to Hell. That is NOT what I'm trying to say. I'm just saying I don't agree with it. I feel bad that they are confused. I feel bad that they may be made fun of for feeling that way. But, I don't agree with it. Anyhow, for those of you who wonder what the purpose of gender is, outside of a religious perspective, there actually has been a lot of research done on this topic. I've learned that without those gender roles, without those necessary divisions between men and women, society cannot function. Don't believe me? Research it. Don't GOOGLE it, RESEARCH it. You know, actually legitimately go find a study done about it. 90% of the stuff google comes up with is terribly biased and almost completely inaccurate. When doing a scientific study, if there is even a HINT of bias, you will not be published, so you can count on the research to tell the facts without a bias. So go research if you don't believe that gender roles are important, or that society benefits from differences in gender. In this class, I learned that it is needful for differing genders because they balance each other out. Men were created to be more logical, and women were created to be more emotional. This doesn't always happen, but on the whole men are more logical. The differences between our genders can be utilized to help improve ourselves, our relationships and society.

As for same sex attraction. I have learned a lot. I learned there's a difference between same sex attraction and being gay. The difference being that you can be attracted and not act on it, and when you act on it, that's when you're "labeled gay." I learned that we need to be more tolerant and accepting. We can't just dismiss people out of hand because we may not agree with their lifestyle. I learned that there is no biological component that "makes" someone gay or straight. My heart goes out to those who struggle with this. I know that people believe that Mormons hate gays, or that we're completely intolerant of them, or that we don't support them. I also know many Mormons who believe that the leaders of our Church will magically change their minds, and eventually say that being gay is okay, and that it's okay for gay people to get married. Well, that's not going to happen. There will never be a time where God will be okay with same sex marriage. The way I see it is, had there been a time foreseen where gay marriage would be okay, the church would not have released The Family Proclamation. The proclamation clearly states that marriage is between a man and a woman. Always has been, always will be. There are beautiful people out there who are gay, and I love them, and I think they're great people, and very fun. However, I don't agree with their lifestyle. You can still love someone and not be okay with the way they live their lives. You just have to draw a clear line. Let it be understood that you will be their friend, you will love and support them through anything, but you don't agree with people dating people of the same gender. If you still don't believe that Mormons don't support or even like gay people, feel free to check out their website. The Church has recently come out with a website concerning our beliefs with same sex attraction and gay people. The website says, "This official website does not offer a comprehensive explanation of everything related to same-sex attraction, but it does reflect the feelings of Church leaders as to how we should treat each other as part of the human family."

Marriage and Intimacy

The best grandparents anyone could have! Married for over 50 years and still in love.

My beautiful Mother and handsome Father

I'm sure you're wondering what all of these pictures are about. Well these are just a few of the examples I have of beautiful people, who have made beautiful marriages. I think a lot of people in class found our discussion about marriage and intimacy awkward or embarrassing, but I didn't. Of course this could be for many reasons, the area I grew up in, the fact that intimacy is openly discussed in my house (not graphic details, but if we have any questions my mom has always been open to discussing things with me), or the fact that as a Child Development major, this has been discussed many, many times in classes. 

My Grandparents, brother and new sister-in-law at their wedding. 

I think one of the most interesting parts of this topic was the Marital Intimacy questions wiki. For an assignment, we had to come up with at least one question we had regarding marital intimacy. Some of the questions were "How do you get to the point where you are comfortable with having sex with your spouse? I was always taught that sex was wrong unless it was outside of marriage, but the general idea still seems wrong. How do I get to the point of being comfortable enough to know that having sex with my future spouse is ok? How do I overcome that fear?" "I know that a relationship isn't only about the intimacy, but what if after you get married and have sex for the first time your feelings aren't the same? How as a couple do you see past this very important part in your relationship? Or how can it be fixed?" "My husband rarely initiates sex and often rejects me when I do. It makes me feel so insecure. What should I do?" "I'm not married, I've heard the first time of intercourse is painful, which scares me. What advice could you give about this"

I know it's kind of blurry, but this is a picture of my cousins' Grandparents. Grandpa Stauffer has passed on, but they were truly a beautiful couple, and had a wonderful relationship. This is one of the last times I saw him. After Thanksgiving they both fell asleep on the couch and Grandma Stauffer is asleep on Grandpa. :)

These are just a few examples. I noticed that a lot of the questions dealt with fear of intimacy. I think a lot of the fear, is fear of the unknown, fear of pain, or fear of doing something "wrong" or "bad." I think it's natural, to some extent, to be afraid of this. However, I think one thing that could help is talking to someone about it. I've talked to my best friend, a few times, about intimacy and asked her some of the questions I've had concerning it, and she's helped me quite a bit. It's not weird because it's not your parents, and there's no judgement because she's my best friend. She doesn't share specific details, or over-share. Just simply states the answers to my questions in a very factual and informative way. I noticed a lot of people were concerned with specific Church guidelines towards intimacy. I don't think the Church has any specifics. I could be wrong, but all I've ever heard is to just make sure that it feels natural, and doesn't become uncomfortable.

However, as we know, marriage is much more than just intimacy. I'm sure marriage isn't easy, but I'm also sure that if it's the right person the work you put into it is worth it. I think one important thing is to not get caught up in your list of attributes you want your husband to have. Sometimes, the person comes along that fits all of your desired attributes, but then Heavenly Father says they're not the right person. Be flexible. Be open to deviating from your list. I'm not saying don't have a list, or don't have desired qualities, and I'm DEFINITELY not saying marry a "fixer-upper." I'm saying, prayerfully consider the desired qualities you want in a spouse, and while on the lookout for this person, build up those qualities in yourself.

Dating and Relationships

I think this was one of the most interesting sections the class has talked about. It was incredibly applicable to my life right now, and had a lot of really good take home lessons for me. I think I especially was interested by the discussion involving dating. I learned so many really interesting and really applicable things. I learned that two of the biggest filters when choosing a mate, or rather two factors in the selection process, are physical attraction and similarities. I learned the three p's of dating! Planned, paid for, and paired off. I also learned that there are 3 other p's that are provide, protect and preside. We talked about the functions of dating which was also really interesting, hearing people's opinions on what the function is. Some of the suggestions were recreation, intimacy, companionship, find a mate, status attainment, and socialization.

We learned about different phases in relationships.
Dating- a variety of planned, intentional opportunities to get to know one another, developing/testing skills, variety of activities with a variety of activities.

Courtship- an exclusive relationship seeing if someone is a good fit for you

Engagement

Marriage

There should be clear boundaries and obvious changes in each phase of a relationship.

This part was my favorite!!!! We learned about the relationship/attachment model, and it just made so much sense to me! I cannot even explain how much I love this model, because it made my life make sense! Haha

Relationship/attachment model (differs by degrees)

Know, trust, reliance, commitment, touch

You should  never trust someone any more than you know them

You shouldn't rely one someone more than you trust them

You shouldn't commit to someone you can't rely on

And you shouldn't touch somebody you're not committed to

(the degree and frequency with which you have physical contact with someone can make you feel more or less attached to them)

We talked about the 4 types of love:

Eros- physical love, passionate love, romantic feelings (usually acquainted with), lust, (have to be around them all the time) driven by emotion, sexual

Agape- love independent of one's feelings for another

Storge- parent-child love, transcends everything, deep-abiding love, hurts you to see them hurt

Philia- friendship, brotherly love

Another thing I found particularly helpful was talking about misattribution of arousal- attributing feelings of physical attraction to feelings of love, when it's just physical attraction (I can't tell you how many times I've done this)

How do we protect ourselves from falling into traps/tripping into loves or relationships that aren't wise/tripping too quickly?

Increase our knowledge

Past experience

Decision making process: weigh pros cons, decide rationally, think things through, analyze, be intentional

If you're not sure ask someone who knows (parents/friends/outsiders can see other facets we don't see)

Set rules/goals and follow them

I learned I need to be better about following all of these and making sure to discern what's real and what's not. I need to make more logical decisions and less dealing with emotion.

Social Classes, Culture, and Family

This is a topic that I feel very strongly about. Growing up in Central Washington gave me great insight about this topic. I grew up on a reservation in Central Washington, but there were also a lot of Hispanics. As a White Mormon girl, I was in a very serious minority. Although I grew up in a small town, it was still big enough to where I didn't know everybody in my class, just most. As well as most of the people in classes below me. I don't mean social class, I mean class based on year in school. Anyhow, so those who did know me, knew that both of my parents are teachers and don't make hardly any money. Those who didn't know me assumed that because I'm white I had more money than they did. This is false. Compared to a lot of my peers, I was more middle class, but that's not saying much, when the absolute lowest is abject poverty. I remember finding out that my friend's grandmother used the money she got from her tribe, so she had to "use the five finger discount" to get food and other necessities. I was shocked. I had no idea that people's families were different from mine. I think I had an inkling, but I guess I just didn't realize how different people's families could be.

As far as cultures go, like I mentioned I grew up on a reservation, but there were also a lot of Hispanics in the area. Because the area is high in agriculture, it attracts a strong Hispanic population. I grew up being highly influenced by two different cultures, that were so different from mine. I learned at a young age how to deal with people who are different from me in almost every way. I often tell people that when I was young, I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn't have brown eyes, or speak Spanish! I also tell people that there are no opportunities in my hometown, and it wasn't the greatest place to grow up, but I did have an amazing childhood, and can't regret growing up there because it gave me the experience of how to deal with diversity at a young age. It gave me a great love and respect for other cultures.

I saw how culture influences family. Mexicans are HUGE on family. Granted, some families are incredibly dysfunctional, but there is a heavy emphasis that family come first, always. Many Mexican families have extended family members living in the house with them. Parties are HUGE because they involve everyone who IS family, and everyone who is CONSIDERED family. I LOVE that about Mexican culture. Doesn't matter who you are, or how long you've known the family, if you're friends with their child you're part of the family. Native Americans are much more reserved. Many don't even live with or near their family, and what family they have is incredibly troubled and dysfunctional. That's not to say that there aren't good Native American families out there. I'm sure there are. They just happened to be rare on the reservation I grew up on. The Native American families that are religious place a higher emphasis on families, but I think since many of the older Native Americans grew up without strong families, they just weren't sure how to go about it. I will say however, that traditional Native Americans, those who dance at Pow-Wow's and still practice their original religion, are very family and faith oriented. Growing up, being strongly influenced by two different cultures was a wonderful experience for me. It fostered a love and curiosity in me towards other people and cultures, and has allowed me to be more open minded, when it comes to people that are different from me.

My Poor Neglected Blog!

Okay, so I know I haven't been really good at keeping up with this, but I have learned SO much from this class!

So. we talked about theories and boundaries. This was a really interesting discussion. I was familiar with most of the theories from having taken several sociology classes. However, to hear these theories discussed in relation to families was incredibly beneficial. We learned about 4 different theories which are:

Systems Theory: The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Boundaries- there are the open, closed, and random family structures.

Exchange Theory: If we don’t feel like the relationship is balanced then we will start to disconnect

Conflict Theory: With two capable people, there will be a sort of contest for how things will be done

Symbolic Integration: Influenced through our experiences. We are constantly communicating with people through our symbols and our words.

These theories are just a few ways of looking at families. Every therapist, or person studying families has certain theories that they tend to gravitate to and I think I really like Systems Theory. I like this because every member of the family has a role that helps to contribute to the family, not to mention the fact that it talks about boundaries and what appropriate boundaries for a family are.

Speaking of boundaries there are three types of boundaries:

Rigid _________ Diffuse . . . . .  Normal _ _ _ _ _ 

An ideal family boundary basically means that the father and mother are separate from the children, but still reachable, or available to children. There are good reasons for these boundaries and they need to be respected. Once you get married your focus should not still be on your family, although that relationship is still important. The focus should shift to your husband and strengthening your bond to him. When I heard the story in class about the girl who keeps talking to her family for hours each day, and gets mad at her husband for not being understanding it was all I could do to not roll my eyes. I know that I have a strong attachment to my mother, but when I get married I know that, as important as she is, my husband should be more important. So, I hope when I get married I can respect these boundaries and make good boundaries for myself and my children.