Relationship Transitions and End of the Semester

Seems I forgot yet ANOTHER topic! So, I'm going to blog about transitions in marriage, and just wrap up the semester!

The funny thing about relationships is that they tend to change. They tend to make transitions, as you get further into a relationship. You move from dating, to being in a relationship, to being in a serious relationship, to being engaged, to being married. Then within marriage there are transitions. What's also interesting is that in every relationship there's a "honeymoon" period, where everyone is on their best behavior and showing the best parts of them. Then comes the transition, where you've reached the point in your relationship where you can just be yourself, and this can be a somewhat rocky transition. However, don't let this deter you. The point of any relationship is to get to know the person, and to do everything you can to make it work.

One of the biggest changes that can happen in a marriage is having children. This is a HUGE time of transition, because you're trying to get used to having a new person in your life, and doing all you can for this beautiful little creature of endless needs. This can cause a lot of strain on a relationship, because suddenly you don't have as much time for yourself and your spouse as you used to. But continuously finding time to work together, and grow closer in your relationship can strengthen your relationship.

In my Abnormal Psychology class last semester, one thing we talked about was the myth of "happily ever after." Don't get me wrong, I love Disney and fairy tales as much as the next girl, but the funny thing about stories like that, is they give us the wrong idea. They give us the idea that people should be happy day-in and day-out and that everything gets better or easier after marriage. In the immortal words of Dwight Schrute: "False." Marriage is just as hard as any other relationship, if not harder. But, it is also the most rewarding. Which is why we need to work through the issues, and navigate through the transitions. Any relationship can be warm and rewarding, if you are willing to put in the time and effort necessary to make it so.

This class has been a really amazing class. I have learned so much, just in the space of 3 months. I will forever be glad that I took this class, because of the knowledge and understanding of families and relationships I have gained. I think it will come in handy when I have a family of my own someday.

Divorce and Remarriage

2 years after divorce about 70% of people surveyed said they could have and should saved their marriage. 
In a study that was done where people were given a scale to measure their satisfaction in marriage. This scale was: very satisfied, satisfied, somewhat satisfied, dissatisfied, and very dissatisfied. Those who marked "dissatisfied" or "very dissatisfied" were surveyed again five years later. Those who stuck it out marked "very satisfied" and "satisfied". 
There are certain predictors that can occur when a divorce takes place. These include: It's one of the options, haven't seen healthy marriage, follow destructive pattern, recreate patterns we observe, cohabitation, lower income/low socioeconomic status, less education, and younger at marriage.
Divorce is a messy, and potentially destructive process that can most of the time be fixable. 
Divorce may cost more than 2 years of marriage counseling

What's interesting is that  when a parent remarries, it can be a more vulnerable relationship than the first marriage, and if you marry a person who already has children, it can take two years to return to normalcy. That's quite the adjustment period. 
What's also interesting is the idea of discipline in a step or blended family. Parents can be very protective of their children, so it's probably not a good idea for the step-parent to be the disciplinarian, at first. It's recommended that, for a while, the step parent just act as a confidante, or the example used in class was the role of a cool aunt/uncle, and make sure that you have regular meetings, as parents, to discuss your roles, and the well-being of your children. 

It's not an easy situation for any family to be in. It's a really hard adjustment, either way, with divorce or re-marriage. Children become confused, possibly angry, and withdrawn. With remarriage, they may feel the new parent is trying to take the place of their biological parent. I think one way to help with the ease of this situation is to really read up on the situation, do your research, and talk to therapists. And keep in mind, before remarriage, that you should go into it with the mind frame that this one will work. No outs. Make sure that you are 100% certain that you want things to work out with someone before marrying them. Divorce is a heartbreaking, and costly process. Be willing to work things out, keep an open mind, make discussion an integral part of your marriage, don't walk away after fights, be loving always, and make God the center of your marriage. 

Fathers, Finances, and Favorites

Fathers: Awesome!
Finances: If you have lots of money also awesome! ;)
Favorites: This video! Favorite video of fathers! It's seriously amazing!    

Interesting isn't it, how father's are portrayed in media these days? Not just fathers, but men in general. You know, the clueless, easily made fun of, dopey, beer drinking-gut scratching-white tank wearing kinda guy? Or the slightly more flattering Phil Dunphy from Modern Family. My cousin's wife did a blog post about this topic exactly, just a few weeks ago! She makes some really great points! I want to use a quote from this post, she just said the most profound thing when she said, "When counseling Laman and Lemuel, Lehi's last advice to them before passing away was to 'Arise from the dust my sons, and be men.' Let's let our men be men and embrace our role as women. We have special talents and responsibilities and as much as feminists try to prove otherwise, we are fundamentally different. But equally important." How profound is that! I almost wish I could leave this post on that note, but I can't! 

Parents have a divine and designated role. I don't know how this Earth, and the human population would thrive without parents, or at the very least role models to help guide and shape our lives. It is the adults in our lives that have huge determining factors in who we turn out to be. 

Fathers are amazing. Really and truly. I cannot even begin to describe how much the two men in these pictures have meant to me. My father has been such a strong presence in my life. He has taught me so many important life lessons, including but not limited to I can do anything I set my mind to; the letter of the grade doesn't matter, what matters is that I am healthy and happy; Classic Rock is awesome, hard work will always pay off; and the best way to help someone is to serve them. My AMAZING Grandfather has been just as much a father to me as my own father. Growing up five minutes away from my mother's parents has been a HUGE blessing in my life! My Grandpa has taught me that love means service, daily scripture study and prayer help you to become the best possible person you can be, family should always come first, and find someone you can love and be in love with for the rest of forever. I cannot even begin to express the importance of parents. Currently taking a parenting class has opened my eyes to the fallacies and traps that we fall into, without even realizing it! You know how people tell you to do your research before you buy something? The same should be said before you become a parent. I'll give you a couple things that I have learned from my classes. As a parent, what is most important is love. No matter what else happens, your child should always know and always feel loved. The more a parenting book says behavior, the less effective it will be. Your child's needs should come first. This is not spoiling them, this is the essence of being a parent. Parents have a huge role in a child's life. Prepare carefully, and take a step back sometimes, and ask yourself, in relation to how you parent, if someone did this to me, how would I feel? If you would feel any sort of negative emotion, then why are you doing this to your child? Be a smart parent. Be a wise parent. Be a Godly parent. Most of all, just be a loving parent. 

Me and my Dad at my brother's wedding

My sister and I with our Grandpa Lott at my brother's wedding (My brother's the guy standing in the background)

                                                               

Working Moms?

How many women these days do you know that are actually stay at home mom's? I think I can count on one hand the number of stay at home mom's I know. Granted, most of these mothers aren't stay at home mom's because they don't want to be. Most of them are working mothers out of necessity. I found out some interesting facts this week in class. The one that stuck out to me most was that most women, after paying all bills and other expenses, end up making less than $1 per hour. I guess it just showed me that it must be really expensive to live these days. I mean I struggle enough as a college student, but the only thing I'm really paying for is my groceries. I thankfully have financial aid and extremely generous parents and family members  who have been willing to help me with the expenses of college.

Anyhow, back to the topic on hand, it's important to keep several things in mind, when deciding, whether or not both parents should work or not. I think one thing to consider is whether or not you can really afford to not have both parents working. Another thing is to pray about it. This is not a decision to be made without divine guidance. It's also important to keep in mind the toll it might take on your family. The absence of not just one, but both parents from home during the day can take a toll on the family. You may have to put your children in child care which can cause an added expense. Your child may have to be home alone for a few hours until you or your spouse can come home from work. Keep in mind the tolls not only on the family, but more specifically on your children. Children will keenly feel the absence of their parents in the home, and if you have to take work home, that will impact the dynamic at home, as well. What if because of work you no longer have as much time or energy to spend with your children? As I said before, counsel carefully together. This is not a decision you make spur of the moment. Prayerfully consider if you truly need to work or not, if you're a woman, and a mom.

I truly hope that when the time comes, I will not need to work. I don't wish to. My greatest wish is to be a mom, who is able to stay at home with her kids. This is not popular opinion, as was shown in our reading for this week: Does a Full-Time Homemaker Swap Her Mind for a Mop? However, I know that if I HAVE to work, that I will make the sacrifices necessary so that I can make ends meet. My mother and most of the women in my family weren't able to be stay at home mom's. Luckily though they were able to stay at home with us while we were all under-school age. My own mother didn't start working until I was in middle school. There is no shame in needing to work. If you have to work, and it's what is best for your family then that's awesome. But I think if you don't have to, then don't. Stay at home and play and love your kids all day! :)

Communication!!!!!

It has once again been reinforced how important communication is in any relationship. I'm not just talking marriage, although it is absolutely key to a marriage. I'm also talking about friendships, families, and basically any relationship you can think of. I always get annoyed in books, movies and real life instances where a disagreement or problem that a couple is going through could EASILY be solved if they just take the time to talk to each other. Getting mad at someone and not talking to them, or purposely omitting something does not help. At all. Ever. It just makes things worse. I honestly feel like I am not one to hold on to grudges or draw things out, because of this I feel like I am a good communicator.

In class we learned that when we communicate we go through a process. We start with our thoughts and feelings which we encode, we then use a media (words, tone, nonverbal), then the person we're talking to decodes it and has their own thoughts and feelings. During this process, sometimes, something can go wrong and we end up understanding something wrong or the person we're speaking to doesn't understand. This can be REALLY frustrating. I really do not like misunderstandings, or when people react in a way different from how I want them to. The important thing when this happens is to take a step back and re-evaluate. Think how could I have said this better, or explained this better. I think one important thing to remember is that people think differently, so not everyone is going to get the message you want them to, unless you spell it out for them. 

Another interesting thing I learned in class is that it can be considered rude to text while you're having a conversation with someone. I guess I always knew that but it never really stood out to me before until it was demonstrated in class. It's curious how in common culture today, most people don't think twice about texting in front of other people, or in mid conversation pause to answer a text message. When did ignoring someone or making them wait while you talk to someone else, become okay? I mean in emergency circumstances it's fine, but in regular everyday conversation, why do we do this? I think we need to be more aware of how we communicate, and really pause to consider what we can do better.

Family Crisis

I think it was interesting to talk about family crisis and how families handle crisis. I will say it brought back a lot of less than pleasant memories. However, I won't get into those details.I think I learned a lot of valuable things through this discussion. It's a given that people handle crisis differently. Some turn to food, some turn to others, and some keep it all inside. Sometimes, even if you want to talk to someone about a crisis you can't. In class, one of the definitions of crisis mentioned was danger + opportunity. If you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. Because sometimes it's the choices (opportunities taken or not taken) we make that lead to the crisis, and sometimes it's because of these poor choices that danger is created, thus also creating a crisis.

There can be a lot of stress involved in times of crisis. I don't know about anybody else, but I really hate being stressed out. There have been times of transition in my life, that have involved a lot of stress. I think some of the biggest crises my family has undergone is figuring out how to pay for school, potentially moving to New Mexico (my junior year of high school) and definitely times when loved ones have been in bad health. I know these don't sound that bad, but let's just say I'm just going to keep it to the easier hard times. My family has been through much worse than this, but I don't want to get really personal with this. What I have noticed though, is that each time we go through a crisis as a family, we become stronger. We grow closer. In times of stress, heartache, and uncertainty, I know that I can count on my family to be there for me. Crisis can affect families in many ways, it can cause tension, contention, and if you don't grow closer you certainly grow apart, which can lead to divorce. The important thing to remember when going through crisis, is that you need to draw closer, not apart.